MONSTER MOVIE OF THE WEEK: DESTROY ALL MONSTERS (1968)

DESTROY ALL MONSTERS (1968)
Director: Ishiro Honda
Genre: Kaiju eiga

THE MOVIE

Destroy All Monsters was the beginning of the end for the Showa Godzilla movies. By this point, Godzilla had completed his transformation from nuclear hellbeast to muppet and Destroy All Monsters was the last decent Godzilla movie of the 1960's. Curiously, two of his previous movies, Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster and Invasion of the Astro Monster, served as dry runs for Destroy All Monsters offering up confrontations not only with King Ghidorah but aliens as well. These movies took the first steps toward the more overtly science fiction and juvenile direction that the series would take.

In some ways, though, Destroy All Monsters is the ultimate Showa Godzilla movie. It is wild, colorful and features an impressive collection of Toho monsters, not rivaled until 2004's Godzilla Final Wars, which is essentially a remake of this movie, with alien controlled monsters attacking the world's cities. Whatever happened to monsters destroying the world's cities just for the hell of it?

This movie also introduced the idea of "Monster Island," where all of the kaiju are rounded up and live together. The movie is perhaps most famous for its iconic battle in front of Mount Fuji.

Where Brooklyn at?

THE MONSTERS/EFFECTS

This movie introduces us to the hated "cookie monster" Godzilla with his big goofy eyes, froggy face. This suit would be heavily used most of the series in the late '60's and early '70's to the point where it was literally falling apart on camera.

Also, Godzilla completes his transformation into a misunderstood Muppet doofus in this movie. There is actually a scene where Godzilla get into a "conversation" on Monster Island, kindly translated by Mothra about why he's so mad all the time. Ugh.

Also present is the horrible spawn of Godzilla, Minilla, first introduced in 1967's Son of Godzilla. In Star Wars terminology, Minilla manages to combine everything annoying about both Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks into one character.

MONSTERS FEATURED

Oh boy. Quite a diverse group from Toho's stable, some of whom had not appeared on film for quite some time, and some who had never appeared in a Godzilla movie.

Godzilla
Minilla
Anguirus
Ghidorah
Mothra
Rodan
Varan - Previously seen in Varan: The Unbelievable.
Gorosaurus - featured in King Kong Escapes
Kumonga - a giant spider introduced in the previous movie.
Manda - a Chinese-style dragon/serpent introduced in Toho's 1960 movie Atragan.
Baragon - a quadrapedal dinosaur introduced in the 1965 movie, Frankenstein Conquers The World.

The original Monsta Island Czars.

SEQUELS

Followed by:

All Monsters Attack (1969) an insanely trippy movie about a lonely latchkey kid who dreams of becoming Minilla's friend on Monster Island. He finds himself magically transported to the island where he and Minilla learn to defend themselves from bullies. And there's some bankrobbers. Or something. Also known as Godzilla's Revenge.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971) Godzilla fights Hedorah, a pollution monster against a swingin' 1960's backdrop. Best appreciated while high.

You show him Anguirus.

DVD AVAILABILITY

Widely available.

SEE ALSO

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

TRAILER

Monster Movie of the Week: War of the Worlds (1953)

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953)
Directed by Byron Haskin
Genre: Sci-Fi

THE MOVIE

Loosely based on the groundbreaking novel by H.G. Welles, The War of the Worlds is the archetypical global alien invasion movie and inspired legions of clones, everything from Independence Day, Mars Attacks, and of course the 2005 Welles adaptation, the Spielberg-directed, War of the Worlds. The 1953 version was critically-acclaimed and even won an Academy Award for its visual effects. It was a movie that I saw at a young age, during those pre-VCR and cable years when I would watch old sci-fi movies on TV for a lack other exciting options.


The War of the Worlds takes the basic premise of the novel—an alien invasion of England by a faltering Martian civilization—and updates the Victorian-era story to 1950’s California. Welles’ novel was published in 1898, over a decade before the idea of a truly continental war would become a reality in Europe, and three decades before a near-global war would break out. The American filmmakers were only a few years removed from the Second World War, and they re-imagined the story as an epic planetary conflict during the Atomic Age with invaders landing all over the world. Like many of the sci-fi/disaster movies of the 1950’s, we are given a top-down view of the conflict. The convention of those kinds of movies was to put us with the elite: top scientists, generals, Presidents even. Our proxy in The War of the Worlds is a famous scientist, Dr. Forrester, and we spend lots of time in bunkers listening to high-ranking military officials as they discuss plans and tactics. Compare this to a movie like M. Night Shyamalan’s 2002 invasion movie, Signs, which focuses on an invasion from the point of view of one rural family.


The Martian invaders are seemingly indestructible in their sleek warships. Not even the mighty atomic bomb is able to defeat them. Ultimately, they make one fatal (and pretty stupid) error: the Martians are not immune to our germs and all die of earth illnesses. This rather hare-brained conclusion is a holdover from the 19th Century, when germ theory was in its infancy. Even in the 1950’s the idea of an invading advanced civilization not preparing for the possibility of earth disease was ridiculous.

MONSTERS PRESENT

Martians

MONSTER/EFFECTS

The actual Martians are seen only briefly in this movie, a fact that made little sense to me as a child. You only get a good look at one in the scene in the farmhouse and then a another look at an alien arm at the end of the movie. Their “Simon”-like faces are composed of red, blue, and green lenses and their bodies are squat with long arms, not unlike ET. Their fingers end in suckers.


Their warships are featured more prominently in the movie, and are actually pretty cool-looking and seemingly influenced the design of the Enterprise from Star Trek, The Next Generation, with its sleek organic lines and ocular deflector dish. The Martian ships feature a long serpentine neck which ends in a deadly, death-ray shooting head, like some kind of deadly street lamp. They were a conscious departure from the flying saucers of the day.
They were also a departure from the tripods that were described in the book. The movie does point out that the craft are actually using invisible energy “legs” to stay aloft and to move. Supposedly there is a point in the movie during which these legs are visible. So, technically they are tripods. Technically.

SEQUELS

No direct theatrical sequels, however there was a syndicated War of the Worlds TV series in the ‘80’s that served as a de facto sequel to this movie.

MOST MEMORABLE SEQUENCE

I’m a fan of the big “Oh shit” moment that occurs after the Army attempts to nuke the Martian ships, only to see them float out of the debris cloud completely unscathed.

DVD AVAILABILITY

Widely available on DVD with some good extras, such as a featurette on the life and work of H. G. Welles. Not available on Bluray as of this writing.

SEE ALSO

War of the Worlds (2005), Independence Day (1996)

TRAILER

Hey Have You Seen The New Scott Pilgrim Trailer?

Alright I've been hearing about this Scott Pilgrim movie for a minute. It's based on a comic book which I haven't read but I'm more a follower of comic book movies than of the actual comic. Put that witty sarcasm down comic book nerds! Sarcasm is for closers.

My aforementioned logic (damn man I be dropping words like "aforementioned" like Nino Brown be handing out turkeys!) looks like it's in my favor because this looks like a comic book come to life and I dig it! I hope the visual exclamation effects that are shown are part of the movie and not just there for some kind of trailer enhancement. I hope Edgar Wright knocks it out again with this one (if you don't like Hot Fuzz or Shaun of The Dead I don't wanna see you no mo'!). And I reeeeeeeally hope that's Anne Veal (her?) playing one of Ramona's evil exes knockin' George Michael the fuck out.

Talk to this trailer then light up a mayon-egg in Anne's honor. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World hits theaters August 13, 2010.

Alternate Movie Tag Line: Here's An Offer....

I'm not alone when saying that I'd rather have woken up with a horse's head in my bed than watch The Godfather III.

Hey! Have You Seen That New Old Clash Of The Titans Trailer?

If you're anything like me you are looking forward to the new Clash of the Titans movie and have excessively dry skin from the winter weather. As all of our readers know I'm an editor that works on stuff you've seen, so in an effort to learn a different editing application, I set out to recut the current badass Clash of the Titans trailer (version 2 to be specific, with the Kraken) using all the old footage from the original, and really, really bad 1981 movie, starring Harry Hamlin as Perseus and Laurence Olivier as Zeus. I know we all look back on the original COTT with fondness and warmth, but give it another shot. It was awful. Keep in mind that by 1981 we'd already been through a lot with the Corleone's, Luke has lost his hand and we were introduced to a scrappy fella' named Indiana. Good movies were being made in 1981. I guess no one told Desmond Davis.

So here is my interpretation of the new Clash of the Titans trailer with old footage. Hope you enjoy.



Here is my version of the trailer with the original as a Picture-In-Picture for comparison.



And here's the actual trailer for the new Clash of the Titans...which I think kicks ass.

Monster Movie of the Week: A Sound of Thunder (2005)

A SOUND OF THUNDER (2005)

Directed by: Peter Hyams

Genre: Sci-Fi

Country: USA

THE MOVIE

As I’ve stated before, I love a good time travel movie. Unfortunately, A Sound of Thunder is not that movie. It is based on the classic Ray Bradbury piece of the same name which is a milestone in time travel fiction and is famous for its idea that if you kill a butterfly in the Cretaceous the world will be totally different when you get back because of an exponential chain of cause and effect events. It was even parodied in a "Treehouse of Horror" episode of the The Simpsons.

What's that? Ripples in space/time? Let's shoot them!

I haven’t read the story myself but I can only assume that the movie is heavily dumbed down from its source material because A Sound of Thunder is a silly bimbo of a movie, filled with laughable science and some awful special effects. Edward Burns plays Travis Ryer, a Chicago scientist in the near future. Now I would buy Burns as a cop, a firefighter, even a guy who sells hotdogs at Yankee Stadium but not a biophysicist. Oh well, if Bruce Willis and J-Lo can play psychiatrists, I guess anything goes. Ben Kingsley is also on board a scheming executive showing that doing just one bad science fiction movie is not enough for him.

Ryer works for Time Safari a company that offers carefully controlled hunting safaris in the past (apparently only to the exact same point in the past). Rich douchebags are whisked away to take some potshots at a plastic-looking Allosaurus before it gets trapped in a swamp. The idea being that because the creature was about to die anyway there would be no changes made to the timeline. Of course, if you carry the movie's premise to its logical extent, any disruption to the past would result in a different future, even a microscopic one.

When someone accidentally steps on a butterfly we begin to see successive changes in the present, “Like ripples in a pond,” one of the movie’s scientists explains. Later ripples introduce us to weird creatures like a giant bat and the movie’s star monsters…the baboonasaurus.

THE MONSTERS/EFFECTS

He's too ridiculous to even have his own movie on the SyFy Channel.

Most of the effects are pretty bad, such as the very CGI looking Allosaurus and lots of bad composite shots throughout. The baboonasaurs are done well and are strangely compelling if only because they are so absurd. Maybe its just crazy enough looking to be a plausible animal.

SEQUELS

This movie was a huge flop and no sequels are planned.

MOST MEMORABLE SEQUENCE

Did I mention that this movie features a Baboonasaur?

DVD AVAILABILITY

Widely available.

SEE ALSO

The Relic also features some Chitown monster action by the same director.

Evolution also has as its theme evolution gone awry resulting in improbable creatures.

TRAILER

Hey Have You Seen The New Tron Legacy Trailer?

Everything about this movie has me excited about this movie except the actual movie? Does that make sense? I am excited to see Jeff Bridges, excuse me, Academy Award winning actor Jeff Bridges allow me to get that dirt off your shoulders son! I am excited to hear Daft Punk's soundtrack. And 3D! I haven't been this excited to watch a movie in 3D since-....well shit since Avatar! Am I excited for the story of TRON though? Not really. I wasn't a huge fan of the original TRON. I loved the light cycle sequence, I was into their crazy future version of electro-frisbee, and if you can pull off a neon glowing suit you got some style but once the story started I was out. I got that same scary feeling after watching this trailer. Get rid of that opening dialogue sequence and get us in the computer world! Quit jibba-jabbing! I don't want to hate on this too early. I'll relax. I'll give TRON the benefit of the doubt.
Hey quick question, is the lead in this movie the kid from Four Brothers? I hope so cause that's going to give me time to bust out my world famous Mark Wahlberg "I wanna know who killed my moms!" Four Brothers impression. Ask me to do it for you the next time you see me. It's pretty solid. TRON Legacy starring Academy Award winner Jeff Bridges and that one brother from Four Brothers opens in theaters on December 17, 2010.



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I'll Punch A Predator In The Throat.

If you're not a citizen of the Nerd-iverse then you're probably not aware that they're making a new Predator movie called Predators. Well they are. It's not a remake. It's a prequel. This one's for all of you who watched the first Predator and couldn't stop thinking, "Wait a minute. Who done the Predator wrong that it's going around acting like this is acceptable behavior? What is his motivation for ripping spines out, shankin' Carl Weathers, and calling us one ugly muddafuhcka?". Well your questions will finally be answered people. I have some questions after watching this sneak peek footage:

• The director of this movie is named Nimrod Antal. Why is your name Nimrod bro? Can I trust you?
• Is Laurence Fishburne channelling the spirit of Bill Duke? Did the whole cast get told to get in shape except Laurence Fishburne? "Hey everybody get ripped. Except you Laurence, you get hungry."
• Is that Shane aka "Teeth" aka "Cleetus Van Damme" from The Shield? Word! Family Meeting!!!
• Will we ever see the famed deleted scene from the original Predator where Carl Weathers explains to Schwarzenegger to "save them human bones cause then you got yourself a stew baby!".

We'll see if any and or all of these questions get answered. For now enjoy the sneak peak to Predators.



The official Predators trailer will be released March 18th. The film Predators will be dedicated to the spirit of Bill Duke's BIC razor.


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The Proud Monsters of the SyFy Network

The words "An original SyFy movie" don't exactly fill me with confidence. The Science Fiction cable channel has had a hard time coming up with quality shows apart from its two shows based on Battlestar Galactica but has recently discovered a way to turn its crappy programming to its advantage: embrace and own the awful movies that they know that they are going to make. SyFy has had particular success in making audaciously ridiculous monster movies and they have seemingly discovered the secret Zen formula for creature films: A shark cannot jump itself.

Perhaps taking note of the attention given to movies like Snakes on a Plane and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has decided to highlight their cheesy, Canadian-accented, Crocsploitation cheapos. Last night was the premiere of their new Roger Corman-directed, Dinoshark, which followed reruns of the aptly-titled Dinocroc and Spring Break Shark Attack. There's something refreshingly unpretentious about movies that tell you exactly what you are going to get in the title, particularly if they use the word "versus." Personally, I think every movie should have a "versus." Let's not pretend Jurassic Park is a meditation on science gone awry, it's Dinos vs. Humans. By fully embracing their ridiculousness, these new SyFy movies are a pleasant throwback to the loopy old monster movies of yore, like the 60's and 70's Godzilla movies.

The titular creature from Dinoshark has the head of a T-Rex on the body of a shark. I really don't need to know anything more than that. You had me at Dinoshark. Not to be outdone, Corman has another SyFy movie coming out later this year, Sharktopus. I don't need to know how a shark and an octopus got it on. That's between that shark, that octopus and the ocean. I just want to see it.

Still, not the silliest hybrid monster.

What else does the future have in store? Bearasaurus? Giant Tarantula Shark? Squidcroc? Maybe a giant rampaging elephant that has a cobra for a trunk. Cobraphant anyone?

MONSTER MOVIE OF THE WEEK: SPECIES 2 (1998)

SPECIES II (1998)
Director: Peter Medak
Genre: Sci-Fi/Erotic Thriller/Body Horror

A BRIEF NOTE

In Monster Movie of the Week, I have tried to profile movies that prominently feature a monster, creature, or monstrous robot that is significantly different from a human being. So vampires, zombies, and old school werewolves sort of fall outside the kinds of movies I like to look at. My other criteria is that the movie somehow have some sort of significance in history of monster movies, perhaps in terms of special effects, story-telling, being the work of a significant director, being an important example of a larger trend, etc. Now, that does not necessarily mean that bad movies are automatically excluded. As you can see from looking at my past entries, we’ve looked at some real stinkers (Anaconda, The Relic, and D-Wars come to mind) and for every Gojira and King Kong there are a Godzilla (1998) and King Kong (1976). As a fan of monster movies, I have built up a pretty high resistance to cinematic crappiness and can find genuine enjoyment in even a really bad movie. This week’s entry however, is significant for really only two reasons. First and most tenuously, it is the sequel to a mediocre hit movie that featured a memorable creature. Secondly, it is probably the second worst high-profile movie of the 1990’s behind Showgirls.

This is a totally legit scientific experiment.

THE MOVIE

Whereas Species was an okay-to-bad creature flick, Species 2 is a searing hot mess of a movie. It is a poorly-written, badly-acted, offensive train wreck of a sequel. Let’s take a look at it!

You’ll remember that in the first Species, a cosmic signal was received via radio telescope instructing scientists how to build an alien hybrid and they do it FOR SOME REASON. The monster escapes and she tries to mate with numerous LA douches. She gets killed and a rat eats a piece of her and begins mutating. End of movie.

Species 2 begins two years later with a mission to Mars (!?), which is never a good sign. There are three astronauts and there is an abbreviated landing on the Red Planet in which they take some pictures and collect some core samples and take off. Billions of dollars well spent. On the ship the core samples begin melting and a weird oily slime (perhaps modeled after the films producers?) attacks the crew, which they later forget. See, in screenplayland, even though the aliens have been established as coming from light years away, they can still ALSO come from Mars. Cause, you know, it's all space.

Meanwhile, government scientists have made another version of the Sil hybrid from the first movie (WTF!) this time her name is Eve and Marge Helgenberger’s character returns as the scientist in charge of studying her. Helgenberger is one of the many actors in this movie that seems to be in it for the check and she in particular gives an outstandingly bad performance. Helgenberger alternates between giving Eve compassionate motherly looks and putting Eve through scantily-clad, Nazi-like experiments.

The leader of the Mars expedition, Patrick Ross, returns to Earth to great fanfare. His father is a U.S. Senator who is grooming him to run for office. The father is played by James Cromwell, who paid off his house with his earnings from this movie. Patrick begins experiencing strange sexual compulsions and, in a Cinemax-y sex scene gone horrible, he impregnates two women (horny sisters, naturally), whose abdomens erupt with bloody alien children.

The government enlists Press Lennox (a returning Tom Sizemore, who spent his earnings on liquor and prostitutes) to track down this new alien menace. For a while, Sizemore and Helgenberger pair up to investigate the murders. They interview a “crazy” scientist played by Peter Boyle (who spent his salary on a big TV and home theater system). The scientist tells them that in his investigations of the Antarctic Mars rock (a timely reference in 1998) he discovered alien DNA. He warned them not to go to Mars. He warned them!

Margie walks into a murder scene, “It’s horrible…horrible,” she emotes, possibly referring to the script. Sizemore calls her while she’s dissecting stuff. It’s a lot like The X-Files until a general reassures us that “This is not the fucking X-Files!” After that, reminder, the script looks for something else to rip off and as luck would have it, Lennox teams up (for no apparent reason) with a jive-talking black sidekick (Mykelti Williamson, who spent his earnings on a new car for his mom). They drive around and wear sunglasses. It’s a lot like Men in Black only it sucks more. At this point, Patrick is abducting women left and right and raping them to produce hybrids. Since we are dealing with a male alien and the same basic premise as the first movie, the story takes on an uncomfortable edge. Unless movies about alien rape monsters are your thing.

Anyhoo, Eve utilizes her jumping through glass abilities to escape and track down the Malien. She steals a car, having learned to drive from watching The Dukes of Hazard(!?!) on TV. She and Patrick hook up in a barnhouse that is filled with cocooned hybrids. When we see Patrick in his full alien form, it is unclear whether he is from the same species as Eve or from a different species that is somehow sexually compatible with her. Sexual dimorphism aside, he looks a lot bigger and has a quadrapedal structure. Anyway, the humans bust the alien freak fest and save the world. Yay.

On the bright side, the movie is unintentionally hilarious. It is perfect fodder for a MST3K style lampooning. It really is stunningly bad on so many different levels: It’s illogical, stereotype ridden, poorly acted, offensive, derivative, unimaginative, all at the same time.

THE MONSTERS/EFFECTS

Eve’s alien form is seemingly identical to Sil in the previous movie.

Patrick’s alien form looks like a mandibled Predator Alien Rastafarian bear skeleton. Interestingly, he tries to impregnate Eve through her mouth. The movie features a kind of kinky shot with an action that is clearly meant to represent oral sex. Kudos to the filmmakers for sneaking it in. There: That’s one thing I liked about the movie.

Someone really needs to learn how to relax her jaw...

DVD AVAILABILITY

Widely available. And the director had the brass balls to record a commentary track.

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT

Uh…

SEQUELS

Species III and Species: The Awakening

MINORITY REPORT

Species 2 features one of the most irritatingly stereotypical black characters in recent memory. Despite the fact that his character is a U.S. astronaut chosen for a historic mission, he acts like a reject from a UPN sitcom. He says stuff like “Damn! A brotha can’t get no booty?” and while wielding a machete, “Im’a go back to Africa on his ass!” And after Eve shows no interest in him, “Man, I can’t even get any play from a alien!” If that’s not bad enough, the aliens are ultimately defeated using his sickle-cell anemia carrying blood.

Oh! And there's a deleted scene in which Patrick picks up a chick to impregnate only once he get her back the the room he finds out the she is actually a he! Hilarity ensues.

SEE ALSO

Showgirls 1996

PROMO

So Sabotage We All.

My friend Bryan Bowden just sent me this video and it must be shared with all y'all. Am I "that guy" now? The guy who must show you every little thing he finds amusing on the internet. I hope I'm not. That being said check out this shot for shot remake of the video Sabotage by the Beastie Boys using Battlestar Galactica footage. So say who all? So Say We All.

Snake Plissken! I Thought You Were Dead.

I love John Carpenter. Early John Carpenter circa late 1970s-1980's. I always feel obligated to say that. He's like Stevie Wonder where you have to make the distinction of which era you were a fan of. Stevie's Innervisions: Solid! Stevie's Secret Life Of Plants: Ooooooph. Carpenter made some of my favorite movies in the 80's including Big Trouble In Little China, The Thing, They Live, and Escape From New York*. All classics to this day that still hold up and still garner (I just dropped the word "garner" son!) repeat viewings. All that being said I still wish some were handled better than others. Most notably, I think John Carpenter dropped the ball on the Snake Plissken/Escape series. Here's what we should have been treated to instead of having Escape From L.A. rape my eyes. It should have been:

In The Beginning:

Followed One Year Later With:

Then One Week Later The Grand Finale:

Speaking of Kurt Russell some of my favorite Jack's in life have been Jack Burton, Jack Nicholson, Jack Bauer, New Jack City, Jackin' Off, Jumping Jack Flash (absolutely not the film), Jacking For Beats, and let's give a special shout out to 227's Jackee Harry:

Was she the Black Fran Drescher of the 80's? Based on vocal tone and nasality you can make that argument and win.

But the biggest Jack of them all may have been the end of I'm Gonna Git' You Sucka with KRS-One making a cameo to peform "Jack Of Spades":



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*R.I.P. goes out to Escape From New York's Donald Pleasance, Isaac Hayes(The Duke!), and Adrienne Barbeau's perfect 80's rack.

Bootsy, Brad, And A Motherfunkin' Box.

Who's gon' turn this mutha out! Who's gon' turn this mutha out! What's the name of this town?

Yell that shit out right now. I don't care where you are. It will do you no harm. Do it. If unknown to your control you got a lip curl and your smile went from ear to ear then you just got Funk Face. What's Funk Face? Check it. Bam!:


There's two kinds of people in this world. Those who funk. Hit'em Bootsy! Funk Face Two. Check it!


Then there are those who get funked:


What's in the box Brad? It's your wife's head bro. It's always gonna be her head.

What's the difference between these two men? This ain't no LOST Jacob/Man In Black type decision. It's funk or be funked. Lifestyles. Outlooks. If you’re a fan of Bootsy then the funk has been bestowed upon you. You’ve been wiiiiiiiiinded up and you will funk away to Chocolate City, Population: Horny Horns and 100% Funkateers. If you’re a fan of Brad Pitt then you’re waiting for a box in an open country field. "What's in the box?"

Brad! Bro I told you already. It's. A. Head. Your wife's.

See I need positive relatable people in my life. That's Bootsy. He funks among the people. Don’t believe me? Bootsy got his own Twitter page. Follow him now at @Bootsy_Collins. His latest update as of this morning:

Going to LA Mon. to put Sly Stone, George Clinton, and yes Samuel L. Jackson on
the new "Boot-Z-Class" Album. Ahh Funk Me!

Now who do you want on your side? Someone made out of 14CaratGFunkRockStarDollWhoComesEquippedWithStereophonicFunk-ProducinDiscoInducingTwinMagneticFunkReceptors or someone who wants to know "What's in the fuuuuuuckin' box?"


Ask me again Brad. Ask me one mo' a'gin.

When’s the last time you felt really close to Brad Pitt? The only way I could get close to him is if I put myself up for adoption in Africa. Shit if Madonna hasn’t picked me yet why would Brangelina? Ahhh yes. That name. "Brangelina". That name is unacceptable. The first time I heard that I said "Who and what is that?" When they told me it was a name for Brad Pitt I immediately thought what a lot of you probably did, "somebody should put his wife's head in a box." Here's what I wanted Brad to do. I wanted him to call a press conference and say, "Thank you all for coming here today. First things first, anybody who calls me Brangelina I will punch you in the throat, force you to watch The Mexican and Mr. & Mrs. Smith, then cut off your loved one's head and send it to myself standing in an open field. And my apologies to everyone for Meet Joe Black. Now which one of you beeetches got something to say?". Shit Brad show up on Charlie Rose and if he brings up Brangelina bust out your best Jim "Don't Call Me Chris" Everett impression and jump across that table like Charlie was Jim Rome himself and get to whupping on that ass. Shit this is too negative.

Bootsy! Funk Face Three. Wiiiiiiiiiiiind it up!

Do not allow no one to step on your funk. Funk is it's own reward and all those who play with it are sure to master it. I belong to the nation where it's okay for someone to tell me they want to "put it in my earhole" as long as they're wearing a red, white, and blue sequin suit, star rimmed glasses, and 12in. heels. You can either live your life with someone like that on your side or someone who spent too much time trying to look like a pretty Serpico.

Didn't no one ever try and put Serpico's wife's head in no box.

Follow the ways of the funk:



Or follow this guy:

One of them will do you no harm.

PPR 2010

Johnny Depp plays Jack White in the new Alice in Wonderland, directed by Tim Burton. I could never get too involved in this picture as its visual effects always kept me at a distance. I was at least mildly amused until the Mad Hatter's wildly implausible dance number (most likely supplied by the talented David Elsewhere) turned me against the film. A nice try, but it didn't quite work for me.

1. Shutter Island - Still at the top, and it's gotten better in hindsight.

2. Book of Eli - Does not have a stranglehold on the #2 spot. Something could knock Eli off it's spot.

3. Alice in Wonderland - Not awful, but not better than the two films above it.

Monster Movie of the Week: The Fly II (1989)

THE FLY II (1989)

Director: Chris Walas

Genre: Body Horror

THE MOVIE

This is a movie that features about a dozen characters brutally killed, some in disgusting and graphic ways and yet it is most famous as “As that movie where that dog got mutilated,” which just goes to show you that in American movies you can do any horrible thing you want to people, but if you mess with our pets you better watch out. The Fly II is the sequel to the 1986 masterpiece The Fly. Director Chris Walas was the make-up director in the original movie and the focus for this sequel is on gore and creature work.

How did this dude come out of the union of Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis?

The movie picks up as Martin, the child of Seth Brundle and Veronica Quaife is born. Conveniently, Veronica dies in childbirth so that we only have a few shaky shots to see that we are dealing with a Geena Davis look-alike. A biogenetics corporation (the same one referenced in the original movie as having funded Brundle’s research) takes possession of the child and he is raised in a lab environment where he rapidly matures and displays a genius level of intelligence and capacity for science. One day he sneaks out of his area and comes across and lab where they are keeping a number of animals, including a dog, which he befriends. When he returns the next day the dog is being led to one of the teleporters from the first movie. The dog comes out of the machine horribly disfigured and aggressive. This traumatizes young Martin and he is told by his handlers that the dog had been euthanized.

Martin, looking like a guest star on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Soon after, Martin has reached physical maturity and strikes up a relationship with a woman who works at the company. Martin is also in charge of getting his father’s teleportation pods to work. One night while walking through the facility Martin discovers that his old dog is being kept alive for study and he puts the poor thing out of its misery in a scene that achieves real tragedy and is a little difficult to watch. Meanwhile, Martin begins going through the same kinds of changes that afflicted his father, eventually morphing into a human fly.

I would suggest throwing this mermaid back in the ocean..

The Fly II is far from a great movie but is an enjoyable exercise in horror and gore. That is if you can stomach the sad and disturbing dog subplot.

MONSTER/EFFECTS

This movie is more horror and gore oriented than the first and the effects are all quite nice. The idea behind the design of the new final Brundlefly is that the fly DNA is now better integrated into the monster so that he is less of a mutant and more of a new creature all together. He is faster and stronger than the final creature from the previous movie. In fact, he looks something like the titular opponent in Godzilla vs. Megaguirus. Hm. Anyway, Brundlefly II is realized mostly using lots of makeup and rod puppet technology.

SEQUELS

None. Although there has been talk of another Fly remake in the pipeline, rumored to be directed by David Cronenberg himself.

MOST MEMORABLE SEQUENCE

I’m not trying to be all Fangoria or anything but I’m a big fan of the scene where dude gets his head popped by a descending elevator. I mean it is just so over the top and unnecessary. A close second would be the also gratuitous scene where a guy gets his face melted off by fly vomit.

Stay classy, Chris Walas.

DVD AVAILABILITY

Available is a surprisingly thorough two-disc DVD set, featuring commentaries and documentaries and everything. WTF?

MINORITY REPORT

Unless I am very much mistaken there is no one of color in this movie at all. I mean, I’m sure it was filmed in Canada, but come on!

TRIVIA

Ironically, Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future before they recast the role with Michael J. Fox. In this movie he plays a character named Mary who turns into a fly. How weird is that?

TRAILER

Alternate Movie Tag Line: Titanic

It's only fair that since it's Oscar week that we crank out an alternate movie tag line all Academy style n'shit. So here's to you Mr. James Cameron:


Apparently Cameron doesn't have the best sense of humor. Check out this story in the LA Times about a sketch that got cut from the Academy Awards this Sunday that would have had Sascha Baron Cohen and Ben Stiller making fun of Avatar. Hey Cameron! Grow a pair of balls will you, blue Na'vi ones.

I'll be live tweeting the Oscars. Follow me on Twitter right here right now!

An Inglorious Oscar Promo!

My boy Oscar nominated actor Christoph Walz aka Hanz Landa invites you to watch the Academy Awards in this special promo. Enjoy and don't forget to watch the Oscars. I'll be live tweeting them this Sunday night!



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