Contracts! Cloverfield! Predators! Oh My!!!

So Lebron is getting his paper. In sunny Miami. Good for him. I hope this means we're done hearing about salaries and contracts. Tomorrow I will make my announcement as to why I chose to continue working in a mail room and not sign with the Miami Heat.

It's a good thing we comedians don't get offered multi-million dollar contracts. I'd make crazy ridiculous demands. Actually I don't think they're crazy at all:

• I want to be followed by the Earth, Wind, and Fire rhythm section everywhere I go.
• I want a phone call once a week at the times I decide, preferably between the hours of midnight and 3am from President Barack Obama where he says, "Ricky. This is President Barack Obama. I just want you to know that I and the great citizens of this nation think, know, and believe that you indeed are the shit and your kung fu is the best."
• Every day I get to choose one person who has to dress up like Snake Plissken.
• I want everyone to wear purple on Tuesdays.
• I want AIDS cured right now.

Oh that last one is ridiculous? You'll dress up like Snake Plissken with a purple eye patch while I get a call from the President of the United States of America during my Earth, Wind, and Fire Logan Square block party that I've invited you to but that's ridiculous! NEW CONTRACT!!!

Was everyone so caught up in the Lebron story that no one mentioned the Cloverfield monster returned to attack New York City this morning?

Real talk people. My biggest concern of the weekend? Will Predators be any good? I hope so. When footage first popped up online I was intrigued. Now that it's here I'm nervous. I mean it's a Predator movie. You've got responsibilities now. You've got something to live up to. The original is....well.....its fucking Predator. That movie is a muscle. It's an actual fucking bicep of a movie. That movie should only be sold in Best Buys and the frozen meat section of butcher shops. Prime rib, t-bone steaks, BAM! PREDATOR. Covered in steak. Wrapped with a bow tie of bacon. And then a constant lit cigar hanging off it. That movie is made for men. It stars men, a woman, and machinery. Not necessarily in that order. I’m gonna tell you the three best things about that movie.

Number III:
Arnold Schwarzenegger. The first time you see Schwarzenegger all you see is a muscular shadow with the glowing flame of a cigar as an outline. He’s the star and so is every line he says. It’s Shakespeare on steroids. "If it bleeds, we can kill it.” “Get to the chopper now!" "Kill me! I'm here. Come on do it!" But I don't like to get caught up on the Schwarzenegger quotes. They're like the Led Zeppelin "Stairway To Heaven" of the movie. Everybody knows them and says them to death.

Number II:
Bill Duke. You don’t know who Bill Duke is? If you needed a black man to sweat in your movie between the years 1985-1989 you got

Bill Duke!

The first time you see Bill Duke in the movie he's getting off a helicopter. They’re in the middle of the jungle. He’s wearing a 3 piece suit! I’m convinced that if they would have formally offered him the mission they‘d say. “We need you to go kill an alien.” His only question would be, “Is there a dress code?” I met Bill Duke once in downtown Chicago. He was dry as a rock. I said, “Hey aren’t you Bill Duke?” He said, “Yeah.” Poooooosh! Starts pouring sweat. Then he started shaving, no beard.

Number I:
Now you're gonna add Carl Weathers to the mix. Bill Duke and Carl Weathers. I haven’t been that excited about two Black men working together on a movie since Billy Dee Williams and Prince in Batman. Carl Weathers! The first time Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger reunite and shake hands in the movie the frame is filled with so much muscle that your TV actually whimpers and lets out a small cry.


We know he’s Apollo Creed. He’s Action Jackson. And he’s a damn good acting coach who can make you a good stew. Now you would think if Carl Weathers were to lose an arm as he does in Predator that the impact would be gone right? Helllllllllllllllllll no! That arm is so goddamn strong it still has the strength to shoot that machine gun. His name in the credits at the end of the movie should have read Carl One-Arm-Sweat-Glistening-Blood-Spurting-Still-Peeling-Caps-While-It-Lies-On-The-Jungle-Ground-With-A-Rapid-Fire-Machine-Gun Weathers.

Alright I gotta get outta here. I'm gonna go have me some fun....I'm gonna have me some fun...I'm gonna have me some fun.